June 2017 - Jon Puckridge

Tonight on SBS

5:30 Self-Aggrandising Designs (Reality). In the picturesque Cotswolds, merchant banker George Saxon and his wife Cecilia, a nail beautician from Clapham, are building their dream home – a six storey structure resembling a giant dagger stuck into the earth. Cecilia cherishes the various ‘personal spaces’ within the design. Tragedy strikes when the glass tiles, handcrafted by Syrian refugees, fail to arrive from Milan. As the day of the housewarming looms, how will Cecilia cope? Will she have time to practice her healing sutra? Will George be working late in London again?

6:30 SBS News (cancelled due to the satirists strike)

7:30 What on Earth’s That Thing? (History). Some bloke with a beard relentlessly trudges across rain-streaked Britain to discover how scientists with bad teeth are unearthing the never-before-seen history of the ancient world (mostly small lumps of rusting metal) using virtual reality, pointing at laptops, and 3-D printing.

8:30 Tinder Made Me Do It! (Sitcom). Follows the lives, loves and social media profiles of six 20-somethings working for a Silicon Valley start-up that delivers manure via drones. Hilarity ensues when Sonia and Ajax get their ‘friends’ lists mixed up with the customers.

10:30 Utterly Ghastly (Documentary). A fearless investigation from Channel 4 into the alarming phenomenon of ‘sewer suicide’ which is currently sweeping the western world. Reporter Seamus Seamus literally goes underground to find out why so many people now choose to drown themselves in shit.

11:30 Seeking My Vagina (Reality). Comedienne and performance artist, Morticia Fu, wanders the streets of Los Angeles in search of her vagina. Along the way she meets several outspoken members of the voluntary catatonia community.

12:30 Sex Ninjas (Movie). Cult Hong Kong director, Thong Thung, delivers this riotously subversive tale, exploring the outer limits of eroticism, violence, and logic. Featuring a rare cameo performance by the legendary Jimmy Kwang, just prior to his operation.

All the news that’s fit to fake

Good evening. Here is the news.

Last night, in a drinking game gone horribly wrong, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rodrigo Duterte accidentally blew up Africa. As the three were sleeping it off, China swiftly moved in mining machinery, and erected military bases and stuffed-panda factories. United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres condemned the actions of all parties “in the strongest possible terms”, before vetoing himself.

Stung by recent poll results, Theresa May took a bold initiative to revitalise her party’s flagging election campaign by growing a beard. Jeremy Corbyn was seen by many observers to outwit his opponent yet again when, later in the day, he shaved his off.

There were gasps and cheers at Cannes when controversial actress Ima Notyu stripped naked on the red carpet. She later told reporters, “This sends a clear message to fascists everywhere.”

Pope Francis said absolutely nothing all week and 1.2 billion catholics gave thanks.

Canada is trialling a new program where motorists can choose which side of the road they drive on, depending on how they feel. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau praised the radical scheme for its ‘inclusivity’.

Scientists at CERN claim to have discovered fresh evidence that we don’t actually exist. Their findings were published in the New Journal of Physics on June 5, but the paper had mysteriously disappeared by June 3.

And in shocking news just in, it has been revealed that Cecil the Lion is actually alive and well and living in a resort in Madagascar. Walter Palmer, the man who originally shot Cecil is reported to be ‘devastated’. A spokesman for the Palmer family said they would “just like to put this behind them and get on with their lives”, requesting that their privacy be respected. A social media backlash is now building, with the hashtags #BoycottCecil and #IllShootWithYou trending on twitter.

Archives for: June 2017

There were 2 posts published in June.