Good evening. Here is the news.

Last night, in a drinking game gone horribly wrong, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rodrigo Duterte accidentally blew up Africa. As the three were sleeping it off, China swiftly moved in mining machinery, and erected military bases and stuffed-panda factories. United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres condemned the actions of all parties “in the strongest possible terms”, before vetoing himself.

Stung by recent poll results, Theresa May took a bold initiative to revitalise her party’s flagging election campaign by growing a beard. Jeremy Corbyn was seen by many observers to outwit his opponent yet again when, later in the day, he shaved his off.

There were gasps and cheers at Cannes when controversial actress Ima Notyu stripped naked on the red carpet. She later told reporters, “This sends a clear message to fascists everywhere.”

Pope Francis said absolutely nothing all week and 1.2 billion catholics gave thanks.

Canada is trialling a new program where motorists can choose which side of the road they drive on, depending on how they feel. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau praised the radical scheme for its ‘inclusivity’.

Scientists at CERN claim to have discovered fresh evidence that we don’t actually exist. Their findings were published in the New Journal of Physics on June 5, but the paper had mysteriously disappeared by June 3.

And in shocking news just in, it has been revealed that Cecil the Lion is actually alive and well and living in a resort in Madagascar. Walter Palmer, the man who originally shot Cecil is reported to be ‘devastated’. A spokesman for the Palmer family said they would “just like to put this behind them and get on with their lives”, requesting that their privacy be respected. A social media backlash is now building, with the hashtags #BoycottCecil and #IllShootWithYou trending on twitter.